Addicted to life

                            Life as it is.

After helping my boss get rich all day.
Which I do to my satisfaction not caring the many complaints from that old manager who thinks am better off at his position. With no idea how misallied I feel working with that company.

I go to my usual joint at a restaurant in town.
With a thirsty soul and high hopes that each sip I take drains both mind and soul away from sorrows of the journey of life.

I cannot understand the harm in it knowing all the joy it brings by just changing the views of my current situation when seated on that bar counter for the short period.

I guess it is the reason behind the sweet, comforting names like Amarurah. Not Rest in peace or Go to hell with your troubles.
If they did, it would give me a guilty conscience every time it goes down with a burning sensation in my throat.

I take few shots to interfering with the general judgement of my life happenings.
Addict is the word they use to describe and name anyone who dares to spend some time alone thinking about the past and that what is to come.

Apart from putting food on the table, not much is done draining almost all my earnings to an investment account called school fees which will help me at my old age.
Reminds me to make my annual contributions to a retirement plan after comparing the three of my kids.

When alcohol content in my blood gets to 47% same as the bottle am drinking from.
I drive home to find everyone already asleep.

Breathing heavily with a sign of relief. Spreading myself on the couch only to realize I missed supper. Which makes me miss each one of my family.

The first born 24 years old looks forward to working on facebooks for a job.
By generating too much traffic on his page with likes and comments.

He grew up with much of his mother's emotions to a point he would cry for someone to accept an apology.
If I did that as a child admitting it makes me feel awkward.
I wonder if my dad did it too. I should have my youngest daughter do it one of this days to see my dad's reaction.


At that moment deciding to kiss each one of them a good night kiss like I see on tv programs.
I remember my 16 years old son. A kiss sounds soo childish.
I denied him permission to attend a party so he probably is mad.
With poor performance in school what kind of a dad would I be if i let him.
However, who is to blame, I have no idea what his handwriting looks like.

Makes me wonder if the two guys take after me which reminds me.
I almost went to a confession last week after reading a text message on my son's phone to this lady saved as booty call.

I wonder who would give such a name to a child or what it even means.
The strange thing is, I almost forwarded it to my wife for her to see how romantic I am which reminded me of my young age.

My youngest daughter is a princess.
Beauty just like her Mum.
She is an angel if not alway pretending when being around.
That is someone I could kiss a good night if not for my alcoholic breath.

The oldest member of the family.
My lovely wife. Such a beauty even in her sleep.
I think she thinks am not man enough comparing my self to the man from our neighbourhood. Always dressed smartly driving big cars headed to court.
Probably to answer several cases of corruption and bribery since I know he is not a judge.

Apart from those evil thoughts, No one makes my world vibrant like she does.
Her beauty despite several years of marriage and three kids.
Her smile plus the look in her eyes. If not her,
I do not know how that family would work.
It is true nothing can keep a good woman down.
An amazing Gods creation.

It is funny how they all take life.
Soo easy singing along with sweet melodies and smiles.
That is the beauty they all bring I would say.
Seeing them all happy during breakfast makes me go to my stupid job and work as hard.

Life passes away very quick.
So they all make every second spent count.

Glass castle

                   A bottle and a Friend.

I am Seated at the bar counter, draining my sorrows out.
A bottle of whiskey and a half-empty glass in my hand.
James Bay, let it go, playing in the background.

As the sour taste turns sweet.
And the effect of high alcohol volume kicks in.

I hear a voice from behind.
"Do you love her?"

pulling a bar stool and getting comfortable beside me.

After a moment of silence.

"you haven't answered me'',

''Naah Am just thinking about business''

A sadness in my voice betrayed my words.

''I don't know man, but she's all I think about'''.

'' how can you not know if she's all you think about''
He asks curiously.

''It Depends on what I think about her I guess,'' I reply.

If she came and stood right in front of you, what would be your reaction?

I turn and look around to confirm her absence after hearing those words.

I order another bottle probably to buy time and think about what he just asked.

"why don't you join in, here have a drink," passing him a glass and pouring him some whiskey.

'"what about her do you think about.'' looking at me.

'' Yeah sure'' with my head down and my hands on my face.
''But........

Little Unsteady.

                              Hold On 

I try to respect your decision.

give you the space you need.
believing maybe your life is better somewhere else.

Writing not because am good at it,
but it's the only way I can express myself.
Your mere existence is a threat to my peace of mind, 

I don't get long messages as good old times, 

typing every day in mind with no send button.

thinking about you ain't doing me no good. 

picking up my phone to let you know how I feel.

stopping myself becomes the worst part.
don't get to call as often as I did.

Thoughts of us walking down the streets, 

Looking deep into your beautiful eyes, 

I see my life in every beautiful aspect.

Though there's nothing left for me.
I will still hold on.
Loving you was my strength.

As broken as I am. 

I will hold on for as long as I live 
Maybe it keeps me sane.

This Is it.

               It's Friday

I've come by she says, to tell you that this is it. I'm not kidding, it's over. Am leaving.

I sit on the couch watching her arrange her long red hair before my bedroom mirror. She pulls her hair up and piles it on top of her head she lets her eyes look at mine. Then she drops her hair and lets it fall in front of her face. We go to bed, and I hold her speechlessly from the back of my arm around her neck. I touch her wrists and hands feel up to her elbows no further. She gets up. This is it, she says, this will do. Well, I'm going. I get up and walk her to the door just as she leaves she says, this the last time you seeing me, as I watch her walk down the cement walk

under the trees she walks all right and as the poinsettias drip in the sun

I close the door. Take my bottle of whisky and realize I was silent, maybe all she wanted was to say hear something when the drink finally hits me, I pick up my phone and decide to call her.

And let her know, even the useless  arguments were things ever beautiful  and the hard  words 

I ever feared to say can now be said: 

I love you.

But before making the call, the phone rings, hi it's me, Bukowski, mind a drink. Ofcos why not, after all, theres always another day to give her a call, it's Friday. Be a Friday. Make someone smile.

My Heart Alter.

                         Why Me

Ever had that one special person in your life. 

Who means everything to you. 

Transforms you fear to a smile. With a simple word, Everything will be okay. 

Her touch, her kiss, her loving I couldn't resist. 

Despite being little, she meant so much to me, 

she was my inspiration, motivated by love. 

One fateful day, I never dreamt nor anticipated,

She decided to leave. 

I thought I was born to make her happy. 

Us forever was my only dream. 

Guess not all dreams are meant to come true.

Sitting here alone, thinking of all the times we've been through, 

Her picture in my mind, voices of her sweet voice in my head. 

Trying my best to understand, where we went wrong. 

Our love felt so good and real but guess I was blinded by it all. 

Not realizing I was losing. Somewhere on the way, 

I lost it.

I lost you.

My dreams are no longer dreams but nightmares of torment. 

Bearing in mind, she will never wake besides me. 

Loved her unconditionally. 

Showed her all that was within me. 

She brought much joy to my life. 

Now that she's gone, takes it all with her. 

A while back I felt joyful. Having someone to wish a good night, late night chats, 

She made me smile. 

Early morning calls which made me laugh, what a good way to start a day.

My nights are long and sleepless. 

Never believed that love existed till she came in my life. 

Everything feels wrong when she's not with me, 

Dear Lord, where did I go wrong. 

Why is trouble always following my love life?

Always ending up with the wrong person. 

lost the best girl I ever had, devoted my all to her, it was never enough i guess.

They say love's the sweetest of all, why all this bitterness. 

The worst situation I ever had is all the laughter turned into sadness, 

My smile into fear. 

Maybe it's what love's all about. 

I thought we would walk the journey of  life together. 

Yet a small wind blew and we came crawling down. 

Been long without you. 

I don't know who to talk to. 

I can't forget after all we've been through. 

Why does it have to hurt this much. 

The hardest part of life is always saying good bye.

Saying good bye to loved ones, be it for a good or bad reason. 

Am a little unsteady, but will be better with time.

Have to learn live without you.

Sorry for everything. 

Am guilty of many crimes. 

Not that my apology will make things better. 

If only my heart could alter.

Say You Failed.

                         Dream Big.

Ramit Sethi, a great mentor of mine, sent me an inspiring email the other day.

"I remembered something one of my mentors, a computer science professor, told me in college.

He said he was jealous of me as a student. "You get to start over new every quarter," he said. “That doesn’t seem like a big deal now, but when you get older, you’ll wish you could start over fresh.”

I was almost giving up on some of my dreams but realized am still young and energetic with great opportunities and chances to try out.

Ramit Sethi quote, ''Can you imagine what a tragedy it would have been if my dream had stayed the same as my 7-year-old self? That stupid dream of being able to order appetizers at a restaurant?''.

Dream big and work toward achieving, it's never too late. Start from the very bottom, You might Feel like there's nothing out there for you. Learn to listen to yourself, there's something out there for you. Barack Obama was not born a president, he set his dreams and goals right, Worked towards achieving them.

I don't know what you dream is. Go for it, you made your dreams as a child, dream big and work towards archieving.Despite what people say, It's your life to live how you want. People will always talk; know who to listen. If you have the will, make an effort and take necessary actions. You can archive anything. Learn to make improvements and progress every day.

A day begins in the morning; a journey starts with a single step. My teacher always told me, "Attempt every question. You rather try and fail than fail to try." Despite the whacking,i  finally realized the truth behind my teacher's statement.

Push The Cow.

                 Destined For Greatness

I was feeling a little down today, didn't publish any article because I have non-compete yet and felt maybe I should read a book and probably get an idea of something to write.  I found an interesting short story that I should share.

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a wise man, let’s call him a philosopher, and his disciple. One day in their travels, they saw a hut in a distance.

As they approached it, they realized its occupied in spite of its extremely poor appearance.

In that desolate place where there were no crops and no trees, a man lived with his wife, three young children, and a thin, tired cow. Since they were hungry and thirsty, the wise man and his disciple stopped for a few hours and were well received.

At one point, the wise man asked: “This is a wretched place, far away from anything. How do you survive?”

“You see that cow? That’s what keeps us going,” said the head of the family. “She gives us milk, drink and make some into cheese. When there is extra, we go into the city and exchange the milk and cheese for other types of food. That’s how we survive.”

The wise man thanked them for their hospitality and left. When he reached the first bend in the road, he said to his disciple: “Go back, get the Cow, take her to the Cliff in front of us, and Push her off.” The disciple could not believe what he was hearing. “I cannot do that, master! How can you be so ungrateful? The cow is all they have. If I throw it on the cliff, they’ll have no way to survive. Without the cow, they’ll all die!”

The wise man took a deep breath and repeated the order: “Go ahead. Push the cow off the cliff.”

Maybe it's time for you, am not talking about an actual cow. If you need growth in your life, let that fear down the cliff. You have all the necessities, good health is all you need to make a change. If you still holding on to that cow. Never will you make a difference in your life. Hardly realize your capabilities. Decide if you'll depend on milk and cheese all your life. Or you are destined for greatness!